This Is A Race: WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I was watching Big Love (here comes a spoiler if you haven't seen episode two of the third season) and I was at the part when Barb is talking about dying "taking great comfort in knowing what her family will look like in the celestial afterlife" or however it goes. This made me think about whether or not I'm afraid to die. I don't believe in an afterlife, and basically think that when I die I'm dead that's it. I won't remember anyone or anything from my life, it will all just dissipate and disappear.

This made me recall that horrible movie "Paycheck" starring Ben Affleck. In this movie Ben's character decides he is going to have something done to him which will make him forget the next three years of his life.

I often wonder what it's like to get amnesia or to "not remember" events. When I was a kid this boy from the neighbourhood, Ray Oakley (or maybe it was his brother Chad...either way, good names), got hit by a car. When he recovered I remember him saying that he didn't remember anything about the accident, though he was physically conscious and responsive throughout the whole experience. He said he remembers going out on his bike with the other kids, but doesn't remember leaving his driveway.

But this is the thing - if you're about to go through a horrible experience but know you won't remember it, are you still afraid to go through it? I mean, you still have to experience it even though you won't remember it. Say, for example, you made a deal where you would have a wish fulfilled, but you had to witness a murder. You wouldn't remember anything about the murder but would the terror of going into that situation, even knowing it wouldn't stay with you in any way, stop you from going through with the deal?

So anyway, back to Big Love and dying. I guess I'm afraid that I will feel like I didn't get done everything I wanted to do and it will all be for nothing, and that none of it will matter because everything I know and remember will just disappear with me, and here I sit making sticks with hair that spin in space.

Labels: DEATH AND DRAMA, I MADE THIS. ME. GRAYDON.

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