I wrote this post in October of 2007, but I chickened out and didn't publish it that day. I really wish I had remembered this post earlier cause now I'm realizing that I should probably just give people coupons to Burger King instead of discs of crazy. May this be a lesson to my fellow over-zealous, over-emotional Scorpios:


I just have a few tips/thoughts on giving someone a mixed tape (or CD or whatever you choose).

I always enjoy a good mixed tape/CD, but here's the thing - they can totally backfire.

I've received a few good ones in my day. I even got a tape delivered to my work once with its own custom-made jean sleeve - it was romantic/scary cause I had only met the guy once and happened to casually mention where I worked while we were talking. I was also involved at the time. But he eventually got a date or two out of it. Basically I'm a whore.

Then when we were dating I got another mixed CD from him. It was painted on top. Now don't get me wrong, I really liked it and all the creativity and effort and such, but it fucked up the disc drive in my computer. But the music was good, as I remember. There were some first exposures to a few artists which is always nice.

But, see, this is the thing...why would songs I've never heard before make me think of him after one date? Or me and him together? Isn't that the intent of a mixed tape? We had no musical experiences together, so what the fuck do I do with music I've never heard before, relation-wise? It might have been different if I heard it for the first time with him, but I'd never heard most of it before, period. So were these songs the ones that reminded him of me? If so, why do I need to hear them? He should just listen to them and think of me and then make me dinner or something I can really use. I think he wanted to show off how much he knew about music or something. MEAN! That's not true. He was sweet. I was cold.

Now, I've made the same mistake for sure. I actually gave the same mix to two different guys that I really liked. How awful is that? I obviously didn't relate experiences with them to the music, but I just wanted to give them something and impress them. It didn't work.

I got the best one I've ever received around this time last year. I was really into him and had seen him around and been asking about him for like 6 months before. Turns out he liked me, too, I guess. But when we finally started hanging out I was dating him for all the wrong reasons (even though he was gorgeous it just wasn't a good fit for me and I knew that but I kept going out with him for selfish reasons). We had hung out like twice I guess, and he gave me the CD. We sat down and he told me the titles of all the songs. "Love" was in more titles than I cared for on a third date.

Here comes the pathetic part.

The music was beautiful, and I listened to it on repeat for about 5 days. Most of the songs were about love, or the losing end of a breakup, or nostalgia - once again these were not things I had experienced with the mix-giver. Ironically, I think the music was so powerful that it slowly changed. It morphed from making me think about the guy that gave it to me and just made me think about the guy I was rebounding from. I think the new guy was sad and romantic. So was I, but I didn't realize it until I listened to the CD he gave me. The CD wasn't for me, it was about him.

Not long after, I broke it off. I think, had it been a different time and place, that relationship could have been good. He was much cooler than me with a lot to offer, (and with much cooler friends), but for once I didn't care about that. It just wasn't right for me.

A couple months ago my mom gave me a box of cassettes to go through after she moved. Among the Bette Midlers and Michelle Shockeds and Lion Kings and Dance Mix 94's was a tape with a single song on it labelled "When You Say Nothing At All." It was the first mix I received from a boy, but it was just one song. It was possibly the gayest song in the world (sung by Ronan Keating from Boyzone). But fuck, it meant something. I destroyed the letter he gave to me when he gave me the tape because I was terrified of someone finding the letter then curbing me (I was 16 and in a small town and American History X had just come out at the video store he worked at), but I remember the letter saying something about how even when I didn't say anything we were still connecting. So cheesy, but so far the most meaningful (though not the best musically).

Now I'm here, listening to the mix I got last year. I have some primordial response to the fall, almost like a seasonal version of olfactory memory. I'm remembering all the boys that have come and gone, the music they gave me mashing up against itself and their memories. Even though some of those compilations backfired at the time, they still stir up something about the men who gave them to me.

I'm looking forward to hearing some new music.

Here's a favourite from a mix - Finger Bib - Aphex Twin:

Labels: BAD DOG, DESPERATE AND SAD, MAYBE THE FUTURE WILL BE BETTER

POSTED BY GRAYDON AT 4/03/2009 -

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